Here are the many postings I’ve made of meaningful moments in the recent years when I’ve not had a living father, sorted oldest to most recent.

As I typed the words “not had a living father” I laughed and actually semi-chocked on the swallow of Diet Coke I had just taken, unfortunately spewing a little bit of it on to my just cleaned desk.  Ah well.

JPK DAD OCEAN.jpg

I wish I knew what my dad was saying to me…

My reaction is actually that visceral when I try to say that “I don’t have a living father.”  I do.

Every day I feel his presence, I get new insight or wisdom, and more so than ever when he was alive, I’m trying to get closer and closer to him, the dream I know he had for my life, and God.

If he were alive today none of that would be happening, or at least not with the momentum that it is.  For the first time in my life I know what my values are – and that came only because I had to define who I was without my father there to tell me.

I know for sure I would never have doled out this much affection towards him while he was alive, and that’s okay.   My mother sure wants more affection from me, and she deserves it.  I struggle to give it.

We did a very adolescent dance the other day at my niece’s graduation.  Starving and without access to food for at least two more hours, I begged my mother for a caramel apple sucker from her purse (those who know my mother and me should appreciate how hungry I must have been to eat anything out of my mother’s purse to begin with…).

She offered the sucker, but only if I gave her a kiss.

I responded that I was nearly 40 and didn’t need to kiss my mother.

I should have kissed my mother.

I really wish I could end every day knowing that every single person in my life who I love felt my love and appreciation in a palpable way.  I’m a long way away from achieving that.

There are some moments in life when you look at all that you’ve done and the many ways you’ve tried to improve, and after a brief bit of acknowledging the progress, you settle back in to the fact that it still is not nearly enough.

Posted by Jason Krech

Faith, accountability, and dismissing any notion of being flawless are benchmarks of cool people. (Opinions are my own and represent no organization, corporation, or other entity I may be affiliated with.)

One Comment

  1. It’s not too late to kiss your mother! If she reads this post, it will feel like a kiss to her, I’m sure. Thank the Lord for mom and her purse, and the caramel apple pops.

    Your last sentence exactly summarizes how I feel too. But, you know, Keep on keepin’ on. Fight the Good Fight (a song by Triumph that played on the radio late the night I left dad’s house on the night of his passing)–look up/listen to the song–I feel it was dad speaking out loud to me right after he left. Words to live by, for sure. They hardly ever play that song on the radio anymore–it is a rarity, and certainly, was not a coincidence that night.

    Love to you.

    Like

    Reply

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