Authors Note: This post borders on one where I don’t practice what I preach, and I’m aware of that…and working on it. I’m sharing because of the extensive amount of exploration required and the profundity of conversations involved to get me to this point…many covered in the words of this blog.
I’m also aware this part of my story will require a bit more curated thinking to understand, but it needed to be written tonight. This is not my most perfect post.
Exploring the many parts of myself…
Those who know me know that I’ve seen the same therapist for about eight years now, Sara…almost weekly. Sara knows more about me than any other person alive – and I’m a fairly open book so you can imagine the type of intimate, trusting relationship I’ve developed with her in the confines of her comfortable office.
A whole post will some day be written about what I’ve learned in that office.
Today was our first meeting of 2016. We caught up a bit after several weeks without connecting, and I had to relay a bit about the recent results of my hospitalization in Los Angeles and what it meant to me. It was far from the main topic of conversation, but it did begin to tie to other threads we have discussed at length.
Like a college freshman stuck at the kiddie table, part of me is my adult identity, part of me is my past and so many ways childlike and still very identifiable to me, and part of me mindful of the future and having some sort of lasting impact – as I embrace a future that may not include either a spouse or children.
The story of my life will be comprised of all three parts. My legacy, whatever it is, will be born of these three parts. The impact of that legacy will come from my authenticity in telling the story while I can.
Taking advantage of the moments we have…
One of the stickies on my wall says “Write your own eulogy and make it worth reading.”
I don’t think I’m dying, but I am aware of the decreasing number of days between now and then and the ever increasing value of the moments which will comprise the time between.
I think at some point along the way, I started to realize exactly how much power I have in the infinity that exists in each moment and the power I have over it – my choices, my responses, and my ability to trust in…the order of things.
And that doesn’t mean I capitalize on every moment – far from it. I waste an incredible amount of them.
But I now see the power that they have…these moments, my choices.
When I don’t take advantage of each powerful moment, only regret and sadness can remain that I didn’t; only taking accountability and forgiving myself for this lay ahead.
When I do take advantage of them, I’m thankful for them (nowadays, versus in my younger years where many were taken for granted).
If I’ve not yet forgiven myself for lost moments of the past, the sweetness of those I do is diminished by the regret of those I didn’t – “why didn’t I have more time to?” “what if I could have?” all are born in that strange intersection.
When moments seem stolen…
There have been a few stories recently about people dying young some who had significant impact on the lives of others. Related, one of the challenges myself and others experience as faith washes over us is the great number of injustices in the world…trying to answer “why do bad things happen” and also why they happen to good people.
The answer lies in the infinity of faith and what I believe God to be.
I believe we die when we have learned the lessons necessary to move closer to God…
For some that takes a lifetime, as we know it. For others, far less. For those left behind, it can be excruciating and the balance of things may seem overturned. My belief is the ripple effect of these losses achieve a balance I can’t understand, and with impacts beyond my awareness.
As I wrote in the eulogy of my father, it’s then our job to learn the lessons and broadcast them further so others can benefit.
Heaven is a death where we move closer to the infinity of God, and hell (in my opinion) is a recasting of ourselves with the imprint of what we should have learned upon our hearts but having to repeat this life again until we really understand the lesson.
Regardless, I think we are all destined for everlasting life – and perhaps in the truest sense of God’s grace, also with an opportunity to constantly seek and understand the infinity more by working on our own “perfection.”
“Perfect” used in Christian parlance to describe God and Jesus really meant in the original language of the Bible more of a milestone…a sense of having constructed something and been satisfied with it.
wholeness, soundness, integrity; connotes completeness (often takes on ethical significance)
God isn’t just good and light, but dark and evil as well — the infinity — the place where all is in the origin of everything we know.
The majority of esteemed physicists agree that roughly 14 billion years all matter, energy, and everything observable today in the universe was “roughly a million billion billion times smaller than a single atom.”
It has been expanding since, has recently begun contracting, and will one day return to its origins of 14 billion years ago…thought of as a single photon of light.
My faith is in that infinity, whether called God, or as I experience, a feeling when I pray…the same feeling that brought me to my knees watching midnight mass.
Jesus and Satan (in the parlance of Christianity) are not much more than personifications of light and dark, good and evil – they represent as well the need for one to exist for the other to be known.
I don’t think it’s important the concepts are called; it’s critical I understand the balance represented.
When I do, there is a solemnity and peace I call faith and it has nothing to do with religion – it has everything to do with accepting an expansive reality beyond your understanding and abilities to comprehend.
Infinity is the single point of light.
So perhaps those that die young have learned what they needed to move closer to God, and perhaps dying had some impact that will help others get to the same place faster. Perhaps others have to travel a different path. Perhaps we only know beauty, grace, and love because the opposites exist.
I don’t need resolution to those significant comparisons. And that’s a very peaceful place to be…because my faith warms me with assurance that it’s all part of the infinity…and me.
My “crisis” is: how can maximize the impact of whatever time I have left, recognizing my own love of wasting those same moments?
That may be the last forgiveness and atonement required when we do die — forgiving ourselves and asking for forgiveness for any time we wasted.