There is this amazing moment in the life of every person who has ever worked for Jennifer Creegan where they will look at their first performance review from her — and pause in grace of her thoughtful way of giving feedback, accept fully the 80% where she got it right, understand why there was 20% where you didn’t see eye to eye, and love her more than you could ever imagine. Read in retrospect, the deep emotion she expresses in her work connections makes more sense — it is because she cares and because you matter. That means something.
There is this secondary moment where you realize what beautiful balance exists in her life because of Jos…the grand mediator, who can navigate calmly the most amplified of situations and also be a solar flare of excitement and jubilation.
I still think back to the fact that I was one of the first people who they ever revealed their relationship to…when it still felt unsafe. That time existed.
The erratic calm of their love is inspiring and their children are indicative of the beauty found in the effortlessness of love created when opposites that are opposite and sames that are sames connect. It’s inifinity — a point of light.
My first Microsoft performance review, strangely and perhaps appropriately, occurred in the lower bedroom office of Jenn & Jos’s home in Madrona. I was intimidated because I respected Jen so much and I was going to her home — the feedback was good, pointed, direct, and astute. Her feedback remains solid today, though the conditions, situations, and matters have become more intense which I suppose reinforces the ongoing need to grow.
What’s interesting to me about this is that it is that very same room where I would later live and sleep and cry and recover for nearly a year about a half-decade later.
Creegsters and Jos saved my life and I owe them a debt I’ve failed to repay. I’m not entirely sure where I’d be without them. The day I was fired from Facebook I didn’t even have to think about what happened next — I had a flight home booked to Seattle where I settled in to their lower floor apartment for 8-10 months…behaving selfishly and suppressed by shame. Jenn herself packed up my clothes from Texas while there for a conference and brought me home winter clothes. They tolerated my extreme ability to amplify my own needs at the cost of others.
I was homeless, in my 30s, and Jos and Jenn didn’t rely upon my family to take me in — they did what they always said they would do, which was be my family. I’ve failed to return the favor —
I love you Lady J’s. I hope you realize how sorry I am I’ve failed to show you how much.
And herein lies the lesson –don’t just promise different, do different.
If there is a reason you aren’t connected, fix it; find a way to reconnect and don’t even pause for a moment to ask if it makes sense.
The enduring pain of not trying far exceeds the pain of taking the first step.
There are a lifetime of “I could have done better” moments within all of us and there is an eternity ahead of unconditional love if we just get past those things.
Shame for not being the better more connected more selfless person I wish I was stops me from taking the first step to reconnect.
So I suppress, bury the acknowledgement of what I’ve done wrong, and relationships that really matter wither.
No fucking more.
This is the start of the ode to my family —
I want to be the person you’ve seen in me. Show you that I can lead. Be a resource to you and a person who contributes to your well being.
I want to freely give what I have freely received — the love of brilliant, caring, authentic angels who have protected me despite myself. I’m so thankful.